Through the years

Lately I realized that people don't know (or don't remember) what happened to Nicholas. For those of you who don't know, his name is Nicholas Christian Miller.  He was my blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy.  At only two years old, he had the biggest personality, and a smile that could light up the darkest of days.  I simply  adored him. Thinking about him, literally takes my breath away.  A mother's broken heart never mends.  Most days it is hard to let myself remember just how he made me feel. It makes my heart ache, not just emotionally but physically as well.  I have found that as a parent, each one of our children has their own special spot in our hearts, their own little way they make us feel inside.  It is a feeling of  such indescribable love and joy it is hard to put into words. Then to have those feelings and no child to hold, well that is whole different realm of hell no parent should have to live through.  Especially at the hands of another human being.  There are such strong emotions attached to it, that if I let my self 'go there' all the time, I would not be able to function on a daily basis.

Deborah Soule, took all that away from me.  She ripped Nicholas right out of my arms...and for what?  jealousy?   I just could never understand it.  I still don't have any real answers about what happened that night.  Randy Miller (Nick's father and my ex-husband) was never very forthcoming about it and Deborah was just trying to save her herself. So I have been left alone trying to make sense out of nonsense. It took YEARS to accept the fact that I am just never going to understand what happened that night.  For so long I wanted answers from Randy and Debbie, but now I know, and I have resigned to the fact that I will never get them.