Friday,
January 13, 1995. Nicholas only had a few visitations with
Randy since the November incident. I remember Randy came to my
apartment early to pick up Nick. He ended up staying most of the day, and
talked to me about getting back together. I don't remember
the exact plans that were made, but when he left I was happy at the
prospect of having my family back. I asked Randy to not take Nick
because I didn't want him to be around all the fighting that would probably
take place, but Randy assured me there wouldn't be any
fighting. That it would be just he and Nick. He was going to take
Nick to Chuckie Cheese and do things with just the two of
them. So he took him.....
The biggest regret of my entire life....I wish I never let him go....
I don't know, I think it was around 11:00
am or noon on Saturday morning, my time frame gets a bit jumbled. There
was a knock at my door. It was Randy with Nick. Nick was sick
and throwing up so Randy thought Nick should be home with me. I looked at
Nick and saw a red mark on his forehead. My immediate thought was
something happened to him, I knew you threw up with internal injuries...so I
asked Randy what happened to Nick, and what the mark on his forehead was
from. He said Nick had a temper tantrum and rubbed his face in the
carpet, he had seen this himself. Then I asked if he was sure. Had
he left Nick alone at all? Even to take a shower? He responded by
telling me "I was with him the whole time Katie, he even slept
with me the whole night". So I called the Dr, told him
everything, even about the mark on his head, and he thought Nick just had a flu
bug. So I took care of Nick like he had a bug. I tried to keep him
hydrated...he kept throwing up. His fever kept going up and up.
Then about 5:00 pm his fever spiked up to almost 105. I started to panic
and immediately took him to the ER. I remember being scared driving down
Dansville hill. I kept looking back at him in his car seat to make sure
he was ok. When we got to the ER believe it or not, we had to sit in
the waiting room. Again I told the nurses what had happened, that he had
been with his dad the night before, the mark on his head, the fever, the
throwing up. I remember them looking at me funny. Finally they took
him to a room, I absolutely have no idea how long that took. Sometime in
all of this Randy showed up at the ER, I never told him I was going there, so I
don't really know how he knew that's where I was. But they put an oximeter
on his finger and his oxygen was 90. He was laying in the hospital bed in
just his diaper, and the side was up. He grabbed the rail and kind of
rolled on his side and said 'oooowwww'. So I went to the nurse and told
her "something is really hurting him". Then a nurse came
in to draw his blood. I was stroking his hair and talking to him so he
wouldn't see the needle and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, then for a
second I looked away...it seemed like the three of us all looked away at the
same time. Maybe it was just me, I don't know, but when we looked back at
Nick, he was gone. His pupils were dilated. Randy put his hand in
front of his face and said "Nicholas", then I said Nicholas.
The nurse must of coded, because next thing I remember I was in the hall,
almost in the storage closet. The next memory I have I see myself, I see
myself drop to my knees and wail something. Then a nurse told me
I was making a scene and scaring the other patients and they took Randy
and I to the hospital library. I was left to pray. At one
point Randy asked me to pray out loud so he could pray too. I can't even
begin to describe the absolute horror it was. During this time I managed
to call my mom hysterically. I remember yelling at her over the phone to come
to the hospital. I remember a nurse coming in to tell me they
were breathing for him and trying to get him stable to transport him to
Strong. Then next thing I know mom, dad, and Greg were in the
library with us. I remember mom telling me maybe if Nick heard my voice
maybe it would help. So I marched to the room where he was, past all the
nurses, no one was going to stop me. I went through door. I saw a
nurse look at me with a horrible look on her face, and Dr. Depra saying
"no it's OK, let her in". He told me Nick was dead, and asked
if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. My memory is very spotty but
they must have disconnected his breathing tube and everything else, he had a
sheet on and they put him in my arms and I just held him. I held him for
hours. I remember looking up in the doorway and seeing my little brother,
and the look on his face. All my sisters came, as did a couple family
friends, like Beth Yohon and Carole and Al Kuhne, my grandma and Ray we all
held him. I remember Father Ventura coming and I asked him 'why did this
happen' and he just looked at me. I don't know, if there is hell on earth
this certainly is it. I remember feeling like I could never be happy
again and I went into shock....and for months I was just on autopilot....
No one knew what happened. Dr. Depra said maybe it was
meningitis. I heard Debbie called the hospital. I don't know why,
or how she even knew we were there. Then the Livingston County police
came. They separated Randy and I to talk. I didn't realize
what was going on. They talked to me then left me alone, but they
took a really long time talking to Randy. I walked by the room and
heard Randy tell them he was with Nick the whole night. I didn't
know at that time but looking back they thought he was responsible for what
happened to Nick. I didn't leave the hospital until 2:00 am. By
far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to leave my child at the
hospital. I would never get to see or hold my Nicholas again.
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